In trust I trust

By the time I reached 40 I celebrated with a fine party full of friends, laughter and 'love'. I had been in a relationship for 5 years, been accepted by her three daughters and even been called grand dad by the new baby, a role I actually relished. If you scratched the surface a little and the gold came away to reveal the lead underneath. Sex was non-existent and we were little better than friends living a house we bought and couldn't sell.
The breaking point came in the cruelest manner, the middle daughter was 18, done well at school, taking driving lessons, in a relationship that made her happy and had just been accepted at her college of choice, I was very proud as I had played a large part in her life. Then she fell ill, she had a few trips to hospital, a few tests and the result was if she lived for another year she would be lucky. She caught a virus which effected her heart and nothing short of a transplant would help....no doner could be found, I got a call that she had collapsed in college and she never came round. I was devastated like everyone, months and months it took it even come close to getting my life back, but the realisation dawned that that life was gone. My partner had been seeing other people and I decided to leave. The house is still up for sale 4 years later. She still lives there.
I moved out, rented and I was alone again, just me and PC. Time to do something I had denied myself for 20 years, I was going to meet a woman for a domination wrestling session. I had found a website years ago where women who offered wrestling session advertised, there were loads of them and at least 40 or so in the UK, Eventually I chose, contacted, paid, set the rules (no sex etc) and before I knew it I was held, helpless in a very potent pair of thighs. The culmination of a life of fantasies was never going to live up to the hype, it was good but there was something missing. She was a good wrestler, had some martial arts training and had a full figure what on earth was missing. I enjoyed it but I wasn't moved, the most important part of any sub/mistress connection was missing. I didn't trust her, I had not given myself to her heart and soul, you cannot buy that for £200 an hour. This was a surface exercise, filling my head with a few masturbatory memories for a later date without that trust, I was always on the defensive. I was slightly crestfallen by the whole thing.
Time went on and my mind still went back to what could have been and it was constantly telling me that unless you met someone, connected with them mentally, and gave yourself to them wholly then your sub fantasy would always be slightly hollow....Then, one afternoon while idilly twittering, I started talking to a lady, a beautiful, strong minded, intelligent, martial artist who was a natural dom lady who approved of my sub nature...something clicked in my head, I had found my Mistress.

and the Geek shall inherit the earth

When I reached 29, I lost my dad. This is many a lifes watershed moment, I still lived at home and I was still single. The grieving process was long and painful, mum had moved out when I was 13 and I had missed the female influence in my life, now alone in the house of my birth I needed to embrace myself, learn to love myself because me, myself and I were going to spend a lot of time together. It was the 90's and the internet was on the rise, it was time to find out what the wide wide world was all about.
I bought a tower and monitor from Hewlett Packard and set about setting it up on the floor in the front room, turns out I had some apptitude for IT, I am sure the bible had said something about the geek inheriting the earth, I didn't pay too much attention to RE class but I had decided to claim my inheritence.
As the screen flickered into life and the Windows 95 logo loomed I was nervous, actually nervous. I had started to embrace my sub side, the magazines had been a help but the internet promised much, if this didn't give me anything I knew I was a very niche market and probably doomed to surpress my loves.
Not only, as the first picture of a strong capable woman holding a man in some discomfort between her thighs slowly revealed itself to me, was I now assured that not only was it just me and the editor of Fighting Girls who liked this, I had a whole army behind me. Admitidly it was an army who would surrender at the first word of a woman but numbers count.
When it asked me 'where do I want to go today?' the very first thing I typed in was mixed wrestling, this was my underlying passion that drove my submissive nature. Something in the region of 100 billion hits...it wasn't, it was more like a 100,000 but it may as well have been as my face broke into the biggest smile it had seen for months. I googled, I navigated, I gazed, I thought, I breathed deeply, I got very excited. Women were the stronger sex, and I now had the evidence to prove it.

couldn't get a sniff of a laundry basket

I am a slow starter in most things, most of the good things in life that is, I did manage to get most infectious diseases before most of my peers. I eventually lost my virginity when I was 18, and it was a normal, disastrous event that opened up a door marked normal. After that, I embarked on a very normal life with a number of girlfriends, a certain amount of normal tit-fondling, cock-pulling sex which led me to believe that actually all of that sub nonsense was just a phase. Sadly after that I started what I term as the 'wilderness years' I couldn't get a sniff of a girls laundry basket for 5 years. From 24 I could not buy a women, although according to the paper in Preston, sex was actually only £50 away. This is when I discovered just what an experience masturbation could be, and hand-in-hand with the delights of solitary sex was the imagination. The mind is by far the most potent sex tool I possess and during this time it took me on a voyage into the dormant world of what I really love.
There is a newsagents at the top of London Road in Preston, in it, it had the biggest collection of porn magazines I have ever seen, I would walk the 2 miles to the shop and stand in front and gasp at just what people were aroused by, at the back of the shelf, towards the left hand side was a magazine called 'Fighting Girls'..an actual magazine about women, over powering men in wrestling and fighting, I was stunned. It wasn't just me....it was at least one other.
I bought it every month and at £6 a time it was expensive but the feelings I had was walked home, with it tucked into a copy of the Mirror were intense. I would peek at it, try to get a grasp of what the stories were about trying to walk as fast as I could with an erection.
This made my mind up that being a sub was actually relatively normal...relatively...What I didn't realise is just what a difference to my life the advent of the Internet would have on me.

The always tricky teenage years

As you grow into a irrational, moody, awkward teen the thoughts of domination play heavily on your mind. It was the 70's and TV was starting to show more and more images and role models of strong, intelligent clearly superior females. I loved it but only inwardly. It still seemed odd to me that I was aroused by these women who did not inhabit my life. My dad was strong, my grandad was impossibly strong, these were the men in my life that created the greatest influences on who I am but here was I letting my mind wander to where I was helpless, helpless in the caress of a woman. So like all strong decisive men I decided to ignore it, not for me the Pussy Galore hip toss or the Tara King arm bar, o no, I was going to subvert it and become a bloke. As I was hamstrung and cursed with good manners I was never going to ever become a bloke but I would become so very very normal, it suited me and my public image and private loves were running along together nicely. I had a few girlfriends, not too many but enough to convince myself that my feelings for domination were just a childish and passing phase, after all, didn't I love breasts, how normal is that

The begining

As a boy growing up you have it drilled into you that your a man, you run things, your strong, your decisive, the world is yours to hold in the palm of your hand and create majesty. Thing is, it doesn't always work out that way. I am a man, that bit was right and to a casual observer I appear to be strong and decisive but my mind is not quite wired that way. As you grow you are attracted to James Bond and the Avengers but not for Bond to  save the world but for the woman to put Bond on his back, for Emma Peel to take on three big male enforcers and casually flip and throw them all over the room in a display of sexual dominace that ignites something in your head. At the age of 16, girls are everything, the feelings you get seeing women dominate a man you believe are purely sexual, and at that age they are, everything is sexual. I couldn't get milk from Spar without getting an erection. Being Dominated, being thrown, flipped, put on your back either mentally or physically is just how you are. It has taken me 44 years to discover that actually, its a dam nice place to be